Friendships

 

Growing up with shows like “Saved by the bell” and “Friends” have set the bar pretty high for me. But friendships have never come easy for me. I’m too honest and I can see through the bullshit. Having rejection-sensitive dysphoria hasn’t helped matters either. I don’t like friendships, where I feel I must serve a purpose, or have friends that don’t put in what they get out, is exhausting.

Hi, I’m the problem, it's me.

My high school friends were pretty terrible. Church friends, forget it. I have so many scars on my back from them. Work, Impossible. Being a retail manager trying to make friends never worked out for me, although I did manage to make a few connections but nothing like what I have now.

I accepted a long time ago that friendships just weren't meant for me. I had Jeff, Matthew, My sister, and the dogs. I was content.

I’m proud to say I now have 2 phenomenal friend circles.

• My witchy sisters, you know who you are.
• My travelin’ tribe.

When I met my dingleberry family to say I was intimidated was an understatement.

In 2020 Jeff and I were invited to go on vacation in Tennessee with 4 other couples. Having our European trip canceled we took advantage of the opportunity to get out of Massachusetts. At the time we only knew 2 of the couples, but not very well. We have so many things in common we figured it would be a good time regardless.

At this point, I should also mention that I was pretty introverted then, or so I thought. So meeting new people was also very hard for me.

It happened a few short hours after everyone had safely arrived at the house. My panic attack set in. We were sitting around the fire and my head started filling with all of these negative, intrusive thoughts. “No one is going to like you”, “You are so socially awkward, why would you think this was a good idea”, and “You’re going to end up hurt like you always do,” I think you get the picture.

This is not the first time I’ve had one of these socially induced panic attacks, I knew a few moments alone would help me, so I snuck up to my room and tried to gracefully recover. Little did I know my husband was hot on my tail, he knew something was wrong and wanted to help me instantly going into his critical thinking tool belt. Being an extremely extroverted individual himself this was unknown territory. After completely losing my shit I finally got him to understand I just needed to be left alone.

After a few minutes, I was able to compose myself and rejoin the group. I apologized for coming across as rude, I explained I just had this stupid social anxiety that makes me freak out around a group of people I don’t know. I was met with words of comfort, understanding, and hugs. It was at that point that I knew I had found my people.